If you haven’t read the first part in the “About Me” page click here.
As you can guess after four and a half terrible years I took the first step. I started dieting and doing sports again, it’s hard to be happy when your body is unhealthy. After getting in a healthy shape I started working on a skill I hadn’t used for a very long time, socializing. Now this was a tough one. I couldn’t socialize anywhere near my regular surroundings, everything was linked with feeling anxious, afraid and frustrated. I made an ambitious decision, I decided to go to 3 summer camps each a week long, and each with people I never met before.
In the first two camps I could barely talk to people, everything I did was socially awkward and made people want to get away from me. For me however it felt like I had so many friends, In one of these camps I got to know 6 new people, for me that was like learning how to build an armed spacecraft in a week.
Next up was to adapt the new “social me” to my regular environment. I started saying hi to people my two friends from school new, a “hi” turned into a hug and a hug turned into a greeting eventually we were making small talk, that’s some serious progress for me. Later on that year I went on a school delegation to NASA in memory of Ilan Ramon, this is the first time I felt free in my life. Two weeks, without supervision, with my newly earned friends, life couldn’t get much better. I took a giant leap in these two weeks, I acquired strong bonds with the people that came with me, and I felt a feeling I hadn’t felt for a long time, love.
My self-centered apathy trans, was starting to break… She was this amazing girl, for all I cared it was a privilege for me to talk to her. Obviously my state of mind and desperation threw me right into the famous “friendzone”. There I was with this girl I have feelings for and I was completely helpless, clueless and frustrated. It was the first time in a long time I had felt anything and life slapped me across the face. But for the first time in my life I didn’t give up on myself and run back to my virtual world where nothing could hurt me. I didn’t care, I wanted to get hurt, I didn’t want to go back to my trans of apathy.
Psychology books define the hierarchy states of the human emotion like this at the top happiness and serenity, the anger and frustration, afterwards sadness and depression and at the bottom of the pyramid apathy. I had gone up two steps up the emotional ladder and I sure as hell wasn’t going to go down easily.
My next step was going out on weekends, I started meeting new people weekly, and so what if I didn’t always stick out, or felt awkward or intimidated from time to time, I was living life, I was meeting people, I was out of my comfort zone. I got my heart broken several times afterwards (I hadn’t even gotten to kiss a girl up to that point). But that was about to change, in the summer of that year my friend from camp a year before came to visit me. We hung out at the beach all day, and one thing led to another and she came to sleep at my house. I won’t get into too much details but that was the night I lost my virginity.
There I was after I had taken her to the train station and said my goodbyes, confused, anxious, I don’t even think I was happy. It was this irritating feeling like something was missing, it was so sudden, so weird, and it definitely traumatized me. For two years after that incident I had trouble imagining myself in a relationship with a girl. I was still the same guy from before just much more confused. What most guys would call the best day of their lives, was a day that threw me completely off track from my steady progress. Let me clarify I’m not against sex, but if you’re not ready it can be very dangerous (and I’m not talking about waiting for marriage and all that crap, I’m talking about being mature enough mentally and physically).
The feeling of in-completion sent me back a year, I was told by my close friends over and over that I was apathetic, my love life sank, because I was afraid to get hurt again. I was a mess, at least I was training to relieve the frustration, thatch right, I was getting into the best shape of my life, I took Krav Maga (self defense) and swimming lessons, and added some training at the gym. I looked great, but the only time I felt great was when I was training.
It didn’t take long until I was over trained, I was sick for long periods of time, I had knee pain, back pain but worst of all emotional pain. I was stripped from my only source of joy in life, and that summer was probably the worst one of my life. I ran away from home for a week, I barely kept in touch with my friends (at this point I had a few strong bonds that I really didn’t want to loose), I was in a bad physical condition and love was the last thing I could think of.
Most of you will think this is a bad thing but as I learned before, I knew it was a matter of time until I got out of it, but I didn’t sit there and wait for it to get better, and I snapped out of it stronger than I was before. I went out a lot, some would even say obsessively, I started getting a sense of good feeling from talking to people and socializing, I climbed out of the grave I dug myself all that year and went off to a knew start. In the next few months I had my second kiss and third kiss, I recovered from my injury, I got to know the people I had been with at school for so long and never had a chance to talk to. I got back in touch with my first crush, and the wheel really turned, she was chasing after me this time.
From this point on, my life socially and love-wise was great, I had a few girl friends, I met a lot of people, I was dominating conversations, but something was still missing. I still felt unfulfilled. So I decided as a high school student to sign up for the university and maybe find my passion there, but being in the university was very stressful, especially with school and friends and girlfriends all on my hands, moreover that, believing I had to fulfill my natural gift, I chose mathematical courses that didn’t actually interest me. It took me a month until I left and about three to tell the school I wasn’t going there anymore (I enjoyed my freedom). I realized I was so purposeless, I wasn’t working for any cause, I wanted to find my calling, I wanted to be part of something bigger than myself for once.
I realized, how much I love helping people improve themselves, how much I love human physiology and physiology, I realized I have very strong ideas about education, the government and the world as a whole, and I decided to take action.
For starters I started learning psychology, anatomy and physiology courses online from http://ocw.mit.edu/index.htm. I talked to local professionals and asked them everything that was on my mind (I told them I was doing a project for school). I got to coach an MMA team in my area, I arranged weekly visits with a group of underprivileged children in the city I live in and now I started this blog. I realized, this is the best way for me to get my ideas worldwide, and expand my course of action.